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Monday, 22 September 2014

Its diet time again!

I am a yo yo dieter. I have little willpower and no motivation. As i have MDP i find losing weight a bit of a battle. I do not eat junk i just do not eat enough. If i am having a high i find i am motivated, i set myself little challenges and i stick to them! When i am having a low, its gone, i care little what people think of me and that in turn just means i think what's the point. I stop trying and i give up... until the next time i feel fat.

I have been weaning myself off prozac and now i am not so numb i feel fantastic. I still can not handle stress and my moods change quicker than before so i do not recognise the signs of a low mood looming but i am finding i am more determined to sort myself out. I joke with myself and put it down to the fact i am finally mature, in reality it is just that i am now me, i can act like me and think how i want. Not have a tablet do it all for me. I am 30 in a year's time and i have set myself a goal to lose half the weight i need to lose before the 1st september.

I begged my doctor for help. I am at my all time heaviest. At 9 months pregnant i was not this big! I know where my weight has come from, i have been on steroids for the best part of 5 years. Chemotherapy has turned my legs to jelly and i had to walk with sticks for a long time. A combination of that and being overweight means i can not stand for long periods and i struggle to walk far without being in pain. There is much more horrible issues with my weight though which bugs me more being as i am only 29. I have the body of an 80 year old. That one sentence is my motivation. For the first time in over 13 years i really believe i can do this. I was referred to he nurse who has signed me up with their weight lose plan free of charge. The main aim is not for me to lose weight it is to get me eating again. One meal a day is just not enough and no one can survive on tea and cigarettes.

Every monday i have to go and be weighed, go through my meal planner with a dietician and have been referred to a counselor to deal with the mental side of this eating pattern. I am hoping that writing it all down publically will give me more determination. While i convince myself that i care little what people think of me the truth is, like normal people i do not want others to see me letting myself down. I am a visual person and work very well under instruction. While i am not sure how many it will help, being in the public eye should be enough to keep me going.

My 1st weigh in

I did not have a meal plan ready but the dietician gave me lots of advice and set me little goals to complete by the following Monday. Being quite big herself made me feel at ease as there is nothing worse than some stick thin person giving you advice. I know people look at me and think i must be stuffing my face with takeaways and chocolate all day long. I still care little what people think because i know the truth. I know i have let myself down and do not need some patronising so and so telling me.

Goals for the week:

  • Eat 1 small meal and one large meal a day 
  • Eat at least 3 pieces of fruit or vegetables
  • Reduce tea intake by 3 cups and replace with water. 
She did not nag me about smoking. I know i need to quit and i will but right now i am more concerned about my weight. She understood that and asked only that i do not replace food with cigarettes. A compromise i am happy to take on board. 

I voiced my concerns about breakfast. Eating in the morning makes me sick, my stomach just is not used to it. Even as a kid i never ate breakfast, my mum stopped pushing that aspect when i hit my teens. Now i can not handle food before midday. The dietician said that eventually that will change and that i need to train my body back into allowing food in the mornings. For now she is happy with me drinking some water, having a small piece of fruit or a yogurt or completely skipping it and concentrating on eating 2 meals a day instead of 1. 

My weigh in and measurements:

I was not looking forward to this aspect of the appointment. I avoid scales, i avoid mirrors and i avoid tape measures. I knew this was the one part of the day which would either make or break the whole journey but she assured me she will support me through the whole thing. I am lucky that she knows my medical history and she has dealt with patients who suffer with depression. A good bedside manner goes an awful long way in my book as i find it hard to trust doctors and nurses. On this occasion i surprised myself. I was shocked and i broke down and cried at how much i had let myself go, but it only made me more determined to keep going. This surprised me, i thought i would go the other way and give up there and then. It was just another thumbs up to show how far i have come and how well i am now able to handle the little set backs which once upon a time would have left me unable to get out of bed in the mornings. 

I have had a couple of hours to process these measurements and i no longer feel uncomfortable about them. The first step on this whole journey was to accept the situation and move forward. I have taken that step and am confident i have the right support to keep going. 

My measurements and weight:

Chest - 54" 
Waist - 52" 
Hips - 58" 
Upper arm - 15 1/2" 
Upper leg - 29" 

Weight - 21 stone 10 lbs 

My measurements will be measured once a month and my weight weekly. As exercise is something right now i am unable to take part in for health reasons i have been asked to keep a diary of anything i do. I will eventually have enough leg strength or money to attend swimming, or some sort of light sport, but for now, i have been asked only to walk more and build my leg muscle up. 

As my food is planned the weekend before pay day until i have enough money to go back to monthly planning. It has been agreed that for this week i do not concern myself with too much healthy food planning. I am to eat normally and then show her my food diary next week. She has given me some recipes and some tips to plan the following weeks shop which i shall post on saturday. 

Here is to a more determined and motivated new me :) 

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